What to Do When Your Party Goblin Wakes Up

After recently starting my yoga teacher training, I didn’t think I’d be going out drinking for a while.

But, even though I thought dedicating myself to yoga would make me forget all about going out, all it did was distract me from the power of the party goblin, and make me forget (as usual), how low my tolerance for alcohol is.

(Which apparently I need to be reminded of. Often).

So when I got invited to go to a phfat album launch last Friday night at The Jolly Roger on Lynnwood Road, for “not a late one”, and had the bright idea to go for “a drink” at Fokof bar beforehand, things got weird for me.

Some Tips on How to Manage Your Party Goblin

Tip 1: Make Sure You Have A Reason Not to Get Drunk

If you’ve read this far and don’t know what a party goblin is, it might just be because you have a different way to explain this kind of behaviour.

I have stand up comedian Ilizia Schlesinger to thank for making it all clear to me.

Basically, your party goblin is the destructive, but also very fun, element of your subconscious that will come out on occasion to make sure you get shitfaced even when you don’t plan to, especially when you say certain things.

Ironically, it might be totally absent on a night that you actually planned to have fun and sleep late the next day, but when you say the words “I’m only going to have a drink or two and go home early”, that’s when it starts to stir. And smiles.

The problem is, by the time you realise it’s awake, it will be too late, because you’ll be having too much fun, (and be too drunk), to stop it.

Tip 2: Make Sure You Find a Place That Isn’t Fun At All

If you looking to keep your party goblin on a tight leash, you definitely shouldn’t go to a place like Fokof Bar, which has a sign in the outdoor seating area that says Dagdronk, which lights up at night.

(Just give that a second to sink in. For anyone who doesn’t understand Afrikaans, it means “daydrunk”).

That was probably the second, literally neon-lit signal to my now sniggering party goblin that it was time to come out.

The third was having that second pint of Fokof lager and that Apple Sours shot, which came out of nowhere like a bad teenage house party memory. (But which had a part to play in beating both of the people with I was out with on the free Mortal Kombat games setup).

No skills required, just persistence and random button pushing.

The fourth was probably going to check out the gig venue, deciding the music was bad, and going back to Fokof bar for a burger and chips, and another beer.

And then there were the free Jagermeister shots that one of the rowdy people sitting next to us bought after he felt bad about casually groping my friend’s man bun.

Tip 3: Don’t Go Dancing to Sexually Explicit Rap with Big Bass Beats

As if being at a night club with sticky concrete floors and a lot of students wasn’t enough, the music started to get interesting at around 10pm, when we decided to brave the venue again, and stay.

And drink whiskey.

This picture would have been way better if I was a bit taller

At this point my party goblin was probably sitting down and getting comfortable behind the console that controls my brain. Beer and a hand rolled cigarette with questionable contents in hand.

It’s like the Jameson I was pretty much inhaling had caused the last pin to fall, tottering, as he made his way out from underneath the mushrooms that I imagine he sleeps underneath, deep down in the murky forest of my subconscious.

When phfat got onto the stage and the big bass beats started playing at about 11pm and I started dancing, it was over. Probably amplified by the fact that other people’s party goblins were starting to get going too.

Tip 4: Make Sure to Get an Uber Home with your Friends

Unfortunately (or fortunately), the people who I went out apparently had the tame kind of party goblins that probably meditate and drink tea before bed every night (like I was hoping to be doing).

And mine probably would have been the same, if I hadn’t gone to South America in 2009 and allowed my party goblin to run rampant for months at a time.

(In fact, I think my party goblin is still stuck in that mindset, and probably still has a matted dreadlock from that time I got one in Galeria do Rock in downtown São Paolo. And some nasty woven thread backpacker bracelets on his wrist that have become worn and stretched from showering with them on for years, if he showers at all).

So no, the people I had gone out with were ready to leave at the end of the gig, while I was still dancing and Shazaming all the songs coming out of the club from the inside, and inexplicably doing several rounds of capoeira kicks on my friend with the man bun.

(As if he hadn’t been harassed enough by the drunk Jagermeister dude).

I could have stayed, and I wanted to, but a shared Uber ride home with two other people eventually seemed like the better idea. Economically anyway.

Party Goblin 0. Jenna 1. Or so I thought.

Tip 5: Definitely Go to Bed Early

When you have your niece’s 3rd birthday party the next day, this would be the ideal time to call it a night. (Having taken a stand against a disappointed, but not resigned party goblin).

If I’d gone to bed then, I still could have got some sleep. But apparently, my party goblin thought I had other more important things to do. Like dancing to all the songs I had Shazamed from da club on my enclosed apartment balcony and drinking Sleepy Time.

And messaging friends in London at 2am to help me find the Daft Punk Around the World music video that we danced to in front of the whole class when we were in Standard 6.

I don’t think the rest of the class appreciated how much we enjoyed this song at the time.

And enjoying the weird, ridiculous thoughts and solo laughter that comes from being drunk and watching more Iliza Schlesinger on Netflix, on a small phone screen, alone, in your apartment on a Friday night.

Eventually, when I did lie down, I was seeing bizarre shapes and blue lights behind my eyeballs and inexplicably, the Hindu god Ganesha. (Apparently all the yoga is having some kind of effect).

All in all, the goblin won. But he did eventually fully leave me alone at about 4am, when he probably decided to move on to go drink whole quart bottles of beer by himself in a hostel bar somewhere else.

But not without leaving behind a string of ridiculous thoughts, memories and blurry phone photographs to process and try to understand for days to come.

Do you have a party goblin that comes out every now and again and causes you to question everything when you wake up the next day? Let me know in the comments!

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